How It Feels To Want

When I was young, my parents had this little saying they used when I wanted them to buy me something. This would be something I didn't necessarily need, just wanted. So they would ask me, "How does it feel to want?". Boy, would that ever make me mad. Not only was I not getting the toy I wanted, but now I had this question to ponder.

Here I am, now 29 years old, married, and a mother. I still find myself wanting lots of things. Maybe not things I need, but want. Actually, its not things I want, but things I want for our house, or for our son, or even for my husband. Not often do I want for myself. That's just part of being a mom. Then there are other kinds of wants that I have. I want my child to be happy and content. I want to create memories for him to carry with him throughout his life. I want my husband to look at me with love in his eyes 5o years from now. I want him to see that his hard work will pay off at his job. These kind of wants feel good. They give me hope, and something to strive for. They give me a reason to be a better person.

There is one thing that I want so badly. For myself, and for my family. This want has followed me through months and months. Each time I try to push my want aside and ignore the feelings, the desire. I succeed sometimes and other times I don't. After all this time, I thought I would eventually get used to the disapointment. Each time, I am alone with my thoughts and wonder why. Why? Why not? I dont understand it. Have I done something to make myself unworthy? I'm not perfect, I know that. But I have been doing so much soul searching over the past months. I see some areas I need to improve upon. I try. I really do. I hoped that would be enough. I hoped that would be enough to prove I am worthy. We are worthy.

I'll keep wanting. Each month I'll want and I'll hope, and I'll pray. I'll ask that my want is recognized, and the work I put into being better will count for something. For right now, yes, I do know how it feels to want.